A trip through the garden

Spring had begun in Dalarna, everything went green overnight, and trees and flowers are blooming everywhere. I love it!
After a long winter and snow this is so amazing to see. How awesome mother nature is!
Unfortunatly there felt also a lots of rain, so much that the river is overfloathing at some places and is extremly high!
It’s impressive!
This week my smallest child went to school. Well daycare really.
It is really strange, for almost 17 years I have small children at home and today I am along. All kids are in school and husband is working.
That means for the first time in my adult life I am alone with myself. Which makes my journey new and somehow strange and getting used too.
Jamie-Dean gave me this big hug went I brought him en just go inside without looking back or wave at me.
I had to swallow some tears.
But it’s good, he is ready for it and that is what counts. And I need to get along with myself as well, and find out who I am after so long being just a mama.

I will be fine and will find more time to enjoy my time and nature.
Yesterday i went through the garden and enjoyed the sun. Because after all the rain I almost forgot how it looked!
Pimpim kept me company πŸ™‚ And in the end everybody came out and we had some fun playing ❀

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Pimpim trying to get my attention

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THe appletree is about to blossom

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My beautiful swindle

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Rhubarb in the making

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The promise of lots of berries this summer

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THe path to the river and my special place in the garden

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Pimpim is coming along

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Normally i sit against this tree and am still a meter or so above the water and 2 meter from the water

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Come on mama, let’s go!

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Bushes trying to keep their head above the water, normally they are on a island

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Our beautiful house

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Pimpim ❀

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Me and Pimpim enjoying some sunshine

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Cute little blue tit caring for his babies ❀

Heavy thursday

Let’s just say it was not our day yesterday. Bad news from Belgium turned our world up side down, made us angry, upset and afraid.
I can not go into details, but we have to be creative for the coming months.

It was stress I could absolutly not use and it took me the whole day to get calm again.

I am so grateful for my children who can always get me back up my feet. So instead of being pissed, Jean build a little fire outside, and when he was grilling vegan sausages outside with the children I prepared some other food to go with it.

The kids enjoyed it big time and that was great, it brought sunshine in my heart.
No matter what happens, they are my reasons to fight and I will never give up.
Just got to keep focused on what it important and than the rest fill follow ❀

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Mango-banana-cocospudding for breakfast.

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Carrotjuice with apple and golden beets

 

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My scary yukky tasting green juice with curcumin and black pepper.

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Happy children grlling their sausage above the fire like real Sweeds πŸ˜€

Their is always something good in a day and those smiling faces were the best πŸ™‚

What you don’t see

Fighting a disease that you can not see makes that a lot of people don’t always understand what you are going through. That’s oke. I am used to it by now.
And honestly said I appear to others like a tough cookie.

But believe me I can be positive and strong. But I am also afraid, very afraid, to become more sick, to not be able to walk or talk, for misjudgement, for opinions of others, to show my real emotions and mostly I am afraid to die.
Because how much I believe in what I do, that does not mean I am not afraid to die.
Not to see my children grow up, to see Sweden more, to see whales, something I want for so long, to have friendships, laughters and so much more.

On my photo’s I look good I guess. At least not sick for which I am grateful.

Let me tell you what is behind the “healthy person” on the photo.

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Here I am, me, dressed to go out this morning to do some shopping. I lost some weight which is good. I smile, not too bad right? πŸ™‚
But now the next picture. This is een MRI from my brain showing my tumor. The little guy that makes me so damn sick.
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Less funny I think 😦 This tumor gives me hell. He tells me body I am in menopause, that I am pregnant, so I have no period anymore and produce milk, he tells me I have to much testosteron, so my bodyhair gets more dark, he also tells me to make growhormons, which screw up my back and knees, he makes me see blurry, gives me headache, fucked up my adrenal glands, so hardly cortisol, so when it gets to much I start stottering. And that freaks people out. He made me wordblind and makes me wear glasses.
And next to that I have a breast leaking blackish stuff, hurting with something in it that should not be there. And every minute of the day I am tired like I run the marathon, every damn day. I go to bed, sleep 3 hours, wake up and almost don’t sleep anymore, get our of bed like a zombie and am grateful to get into bed a 21.00…..
And than there are many little stuffies, ouchies and complaints due of the raging hormons being supressed or activated by the tumor.
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Than there is taking pills and loads of water.

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Preparing dirty looking juices….

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That taste aweful… It’s not all joy and happiness riding this road. Luck for me the sun showed his face today and I am enjoying this big time.

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Pretty right?

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Blue skies and no rain!

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Making the kids happy with some yummies while I enjoy some tea with hubby.

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And than there is Pimpim at home giving his presence, which always makes me happy ❀

It is not always easy, I cry, I get angry, I scream, I feel sick, I have pain, I think it’s unfair. But I also know I don’t give up. So I hang in there and pray for better days where the good is more than the bad.

Today I also took a big step to ask for help. To make sure I can continue this healing process. You can find it here:
Please help me get better πŸ™‚

Thanks!

Love Kaya

Rainy sunday

This week was not the best one for the weather, rain, rain, snow, and than more rain. It will not get me down, but I do look forward to some sun now.
But I take it as it comes.

Today we looked the fifth episode of the serie “The truth about cancer”Β https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/Β  and learned even more stuff again today.
I really recommand to watch it if you want to learn about how to prevent or heal cancer.
I could save you life or the life of someone you love.

For now I do myself what I can.
I make alkaline water see here how:
How to make alkaline water
I take a vitamine B complex, vitamine C, vitamine D, magnesium, Quercetin, apricot kernels, spirulina, multigreen powder to drink and iodine.
And of course tumeric/curcumin.
Next to this I drink every 2 hours a carrot/beet/apple/celeryjuice and 1 time a day orange/grapefuitjuice.
Also I will aply frankinsenceoil under my tonque and drink essiactea.
I am waiting for my enemakit so I can do (coffee)enema’s as well.
Further I jump on the trampoline everyday to get my lymphatic system going, like I mentioned before and I eat only whole foods and mostly raw.
At first I wanted to eat just raw but here in Sweden that is not possibly due the lack of fresh produce.

It sounds like a lot to do, but I guess nothing is to much trouble to heal and stay alive.

Meanwhile I also try to live normal life with the children. And enjoy the little things.
Here some photo’s of today πŸ™‚

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Saw a “new”bird in my garden today.

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My alkaline water

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Fresh food, yummy!

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Rainy day…

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The ice still melting on the fields

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The melting water streaming

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My daughter’s creations

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Springflowers!

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Slowly new life sprouts

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Our beautiful lila house

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Greenhouse build by my hubby

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Jump jump

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You see it’s fun also! And do you know what I love most about this photo? You can not see it, but it’s my husband taking the photo and standing there the whole time to support me and telling me he is so proud of me πŸ™‚  ❀

The truth is getting more ugly

And than you have to proberbly fight breastcancer as well.
Last year, still in Holland, I had been to my doctor because I had a constant pain in my left breast. They wanted more research but because of moving to Sweden it never came that far.
Also because I never run that fast when it comes to going to a doctor.

But for twee weeks now my left breast produces this bloody black stuff, while my right breast “just” gives milk due to the tumor in my head.
So fully in shock I had been to the doctor. All my lymph nodes were swollen and in my breast there was a swelling as well…. So not good, not good at all.
Neither was the face of te doctor.

He want me to do a mammography, but my stomach turned by that idea. The next dayΒ I watched the second episode of “The truth about cancer” and it was also about breastcancer and it said that a mammography can spread the cancer and even make it worse.
So my stomach was right (always trust your gut!) and I will not do it.

But already last year a little voice told me it could be this and that voice only has grown stronger, sometimes you just know and in this case IΒ know.

I don’t know which research they can do more. I know the can test the stuff that my beast is leaking for cancercells and that there is something like thermography. But there is not a big change I can find that last one here.
So the change is, it will stay this “knowing” and what the doctor has concluded checking my breast.

It does not change much really, because I will never ever let myself get treated with chemo or radiation, because that will only kill me. And even if I would survive that the cancer is more than likely to come back.

So i do eveything that I can to heal this naturally. And that will be a hard fight. Th end of april I need to see a endicrinolog and will bring this up as well, but also they will not be able to do much for me regarding my braintumor because I can not handle the medication and I will not do surgery.

And believe me it’s scary and I am afraid. Because I know the tumor has grown because I lost my period too this month and that only happens when that damn thing pushes the pituitary gland too much. I just hope what I do will work soon enough for the tumor to disbalance all the other hormons as well. Because I already feel sick and soooo tired. And don’t want to turn into a zombie. I sleep bad because of lack of melatonine and can not sleep on my left breast because it hurts like hell.

But I keep on going.
I juice every two hours, I take loads of vitamines, I take tumeric, ginger and garlic. I don’t eat any processed food and as much raw as I can.
And I jump on the trampoline everyday to get my lymphatic system running.

Next to that I practice meditation, do sound and voicework and try to stay as positive as possible. Which is very hard sometimes. But I keep on trusting my intuition and am sure I will overcome all of this.

I did not come to Sweden to die!

So I keep strong with things I love.
Like 2 days ago when it started snowing like crazy! Eventhough we had some days when I was 20 degrees celcius outside! First I was pissed, but than I could see the beauty of it πŸ™‚

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Thick layer of snow!! I was not ready for this!

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I love love love birds!

This morning the kids prepared breakfast and already ate when I came out of bed. So I took the dogs out for a walk.

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I found my cat Charly like this when I stepped out of the door this morning to walk the dogs.

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Look! New red shiny shoes! I love them!

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The weather is grey today.

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Signs of spring!

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I love those cuties!

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The even came to me to say hi!

Ugly truth or not life it to beautiful to knock me down!

 

Going raw

I have a hard relationship with food. Being a vegan is easy, but being raw is a different story.
Off and on I go from being raw to eating cooked food. But the thing is, when I eat cooked, I feel sick, when I eat raw I feel great.
I find that my health is lacking I have complaints that make alarmbells go ring in my head and tell me to check out my pituitarytumor again. So I went to the doctor, they took blood and now I have to give blood again on the 12th of april and need to go to the hospital the 28th.
I am nervous because I know that in 70% of the cases this is a tumor that grows back and than to think they never managed to remove mine in the first place!
I have been stable after surgery in 2009, but got problems again last year, and after taking some bloodtest the results were no good. But I had neither the guts or the energy to take a look at it further because my baby boy needed surgery for his Hirsprung disease, so I just let it be.

But now I have to let it get checked because I feel sick, I am so tired, have pain in my head, see blurry,lose my speech, produce milk, have presure on my left eye and hotflashes. Oh and let’s not forget adrenal fatigue, I almost don’t produce any cortisol…
Really nice 😦

But now the thing…can I die of this tumor?
No normally not. But I have a slight problem, I have not handle any of the medication there excist for this tumor and surgery again is not an option because of scartissue in my brain because of the last surgery.
In case of a surgery the danger is that they damage the pituitarygland and I have to take artificial hormons the rest of my life (and I react bad on everything artificial in my body). If I do nothing the tumor will grow and disturb even more hormons and make me incredibly sick, even more than now.
So I figured out that for now the best thing I can do is upgrade my micronutrients and eat raw and try to heal as much as I can living this lifestyle.

It will be hard, but I guess being sick is harder….

So I will blog about this journey getting my health and my life back. I will even vlog about it.
Mostly for myself, but also to help others.

So let’s start!

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A rainy morning….

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Banana, date, spinach

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Smoothie for a good start

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Jamie-Dean also likes it!

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And Niiv seems to enjoy it too!

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Morning snack, pepperminttea and a apple.

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it’s nice being populair.. Everybody wants to sit on my lap hihi.

Next week I will also start running and will be taking some before shots.
I now weigh 74,5 kilo. So I will keep that as my starting point.
Let’s go for a healthy happy me!

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A novemberweek in Sweden

November has already started, the time flies, we live here for four months now and it already feels like home.
When I look at my family I feel like we never felt better and that is a wonderful feeling.
We had a easy week, recovering from a flu that came with pain in the throat.
But it did not let us get our spirit down πŸ™‚
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I baked vegan donuts.

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Here stuffed with datecream

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I also made brocolli tots, they came out of the oven really well and everybody liked it πŸ™‚

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Here they are out of the oven. Nice and crispy.

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I continued crocheting the winterhat of Jaymz, he will need it soon.
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While Jaymz kept me company comfortanbly in soon pillows of course.
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Jamie-Dean ateΒ like a boss when he felt better.
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Here is plays with a toys he got from his lovely aunt and uncle from Holland
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We crafted cats on sunday.
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This one was mine
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Riven made one too and shows it πŸ™‚
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Look they can high five as well πŸ˜›
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They got a nice place in their room.
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Niiv did some reading in French for her little brother.
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Riven empties a bowl of batter. Bad boy πŸ˜‰
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We had beautiful sunrises.
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And a shining moon in the morning.
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Bohemian waxwings in the garden.
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And also some sheep hehehe

So it was a nice week, with all kind of little stuff that makes life so good. So we don’t complain. We live our lives really well here in Sweden ❀

Halloween

We really live in a small village and there are not so much children.
But to bring some fun I organized a halloween disco with a round of trick and treating through the neighbourhood.
I have to say it was a succes and lots of fun!
With some help we made it a big succes and I am happy about that!
We are already planning something new for winter and look forward to next halloween!
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