Fighting a disease that you can not see makes that a lot of people don’t always understand what you are going through. That’s oke. I am used to it by now.
And honestly said I appear to others like a tough cookie.
But believe me I can be positive and strong. But I am also afraid, very afraid, to become more sick, to not be able to walk or talk, for misjudgement, for opinions of others, to show my real emotions and mostly I am afraid to die.
Because how much I believe in what I do, that does not mean I am not afraid to die.
Not to see my children grow up, to see Sweden more, to see whales, something I want for so long, to have friendships, laughters and so much more.
On my photo’s I look good I guess. At least not sick for which I am grateful.
Let me tell you what is behind the “healthy person” on the photo.
Here I am, me, dressed to go out this morning to do some shopping. I lost some weight which is good. I smile, not too bad right? 🙂
But now the next picture. This is een MRI from my brain showing my tumor. The little guy that makes me so damn sick.
Less funny I think 😦 This tumor gives me hell. He tells me body I am in menopause, that I am pregnant, so I have no period anymore and produce milk, he tells me I have to much testosteron, so my bodyhair gets more dark, he also tells me to make growhormons, which screw up my back and knees, he makes me see blurry, gives me headache, fucked up my adrenal glands, so hardly cortisol, so when it gets to much I start stottering. And that freaks people out. He made me wordblind and makes me wear glasses.
And next to that I have a breast leaking blackish stuff, hurting with something in it that should not be there. And every minute of the day I am tired like I run the marathon, every damn day. I go to bed, sleep 3 hours, wake up and almost don’t sleep anymore, get our of bed like a zombie and am grateful to get into bed a 21.00…..
And than there are many little stuffies, ouchies and complaints due of the raging hormons being supressed or activated by the tumor.
Than there is taking pills and loads of water.
Preparing dirty looking juices….
It is not always easy, I cry, I get angry, I scream, I feel sick, I have pain, I think it’s unfair. But I also know I don’t give up. So I hang in there and pray for better days where the good is more than the bad.
Today I also took a big step to ask for help. To make sure I can continue this healing process. You can find it here:
Please help me get better 🙂